Monday, April 9, 2012

What I have learned

Marriage.  It all starts out as simple, fun, easy love right?  What does it grow into?  For some, divorce.  Others might have stress.  Some continue to stay in that perfect, over the moon love.  Others have to WORK to keep things going.  For Randall and I, it has taken work.  Do we love each other and always have?  OF COURSE!  That does not mean that we don't fall away from each other, get on each others nerves, and just nit-pick about everything.  In fact, this past year of marriage has been the hardest for me yet. I have and always will simply adore my husband.  In fact, I find it odd that this past year has been hard seeing that we have truly been blessed.  Randall has been called to serve God.  We stepped up and became youth leaders.  We have two precious kids who we love with all our hearts.  We both have decent jobs and a home.  What could be wrong?  LOTS.
To be honest, I felt as though we were just drifting along in marriage, not really focusing on US.  This is what happened once we had kids.  Are the kids to blame, no way.  But, we both realized we were working on parenting and our relationships with the kids, rather than both our relationships with the kids AND OUR relationship.
I have a very sweet lady that I work with hand over a piece of paper about marriage.  Her husband passed away, and she was going through some marriage books and found this simple piece of paper.  Who would have thought that a simple, old, folded up piece of paper would make such a difference?  I got to looking at it, and realized it was a questionnaire.  One side was full of questions the wife is supposed to ask her husband on what she is doing well, and what she is not doing so well when it comes to being a wife. The other side is the same, just for the husband to ask the wife what he is doing wrong/right.  To be honest, I took one look at it, and thought it would be a good thing for Randall to look at to see what I need.  All this time I thought I was being a really great wife and meeting all his needs.  Ha...what a smack in the face I got that night.   I finally grab him and we get to looking at it.  I told him to just be honest with me and answer the right.  Let me just say it hurt.  It hurt bad.  Words can't describe the pain it caused that night.  I went to bed just heart broken realizing that I have let down my husband.  Did I do everything wrong?  No, but I sure was doing a lot wrong that I felt I was doing right.  It was a humbling experience to say the least.
A few weeks before, I was thinking about how our relationship was not what it should be, so I bought the book Love Dare.  I am sure if you have seen the movie "FireProof", you know what I am talking about.  It's a 40 day journey, taking very small steps to improve your marriage.   It has taken my hard heat and softened it, and I am only 4 days into the journey.  I am not doing it daily, like it says, but I am taking it slowly and learning on how these simple steps mean so much.  One day was focused on selfishness.  This was the one that totally rocked my world.  All this time I had been focusing on what I need, convincing myself he has what he needs.   I sat him down, apologized and told him I see it now.  He said he wants to start making steps to be a better husband, but the one thing I am learning from the book is, by me making small steps to show him love and respect, he will in turn do the same, without thinking.  He knows I am reading it and trying.  It's not a secret.  Sometimes I think the world thinks that when a marriage needs work, it should all be hush hush. I don't believe that.  I used to think, why in the world are we suffering while we are serving God.  We can't let anyone know.  I have changed that outlook.  I am here to say, marriage takes work.  It's hard.  A woman's job is to allow him to be a leader, and be submissive.  
With that being said, I will leave  you with one verse I keep beside me.  
Proverbs 31:26- "When she speaks, her words are wise and kindness is the rule for everything she says."

I pray that whoever reads this blog (if anyone) realizes that marriage is a two way street.  It's so easy to point the finger, but just remember, you have four more pointing back at you.  Take time for each other.


Mari said...

Great post! I'm guilty of thinking I'm always doing the right thing, and Bob is the one who needs to work on things. Not true! Like you, we have a good marriage, but it does take work.
Nice picture of you and Randall!

Sadie said...

Thanks Mari. That pic was from a LONG time ago! I think Ruthie was 2 maybe!

Stephanie said...

Oh so so good Sadie! I have had this on my heart so much for the past TEN years! My world was SO rocked when things were not as fairytale as I had planned. It is amazing how often Satan uses expectations to ruin a marriage. Once I got over that part, I realized how OFTEN I would have to surrender it ALL to the Father and how hard we would have to fight the enemy. I so agree that hiding and pretending all is perfect is straight from the heart of Satan. He wants us to isolate others by never speaking truth. What a SWEET post this was and testimony to His goodness and to FAITHFULNESS. So often, it has been our covenant that has kept us married, not our hearts....the world would love to keep us believing otherwise.