My hope is in You Lord

I am blessed beyond measures when it comes to this husband of mine.  He may drive me completely bonkers at times, but there are some times when he knows exactly what I need.  Today was just one of those days.  I was in a funk.  I get into funks quite often and sometimes, I get really, really down. I  won't sugar coat it, I am an emotional wreck.  I would NOT want to live with myself.  I would NOT marry myself. I am not the person I want to be.  I was just down today and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my bed after the kids went to school and just lay there and cry.  But, life is in full swing and I had to get going.  I was in tears all morning.   Lunch time rolled around and I ran home to grab some lunch.  As soon as Randall saw me, he grabbed me and held me tight.  He knew exactly what I needed.  Yes, it sent me to tears, but I needed that hug so bad.  He knows I am down and he was there to pick me up.  I am forever grateful for him.  He knows just how to explain things to me to open my eyes.

I want to say that I fully trust God and always see the positive in everything and that I always have full faith.  I love it when my eyes are opened to see the full love of God.  I can sit her and tell you that I love God, I worship Him, and that He is my everything.  But, I am still a sinner.  I still fail Him.  I still don't understand why He loves me.  Today was a day when He opened my eyes to so much more.

As Randall holds me, he tells me that God has it all planned out. When He takes some things away, we can't cry and just give up as I was doing.  We have food, shelter, each other, and most importantly- God's love.  What else do we need?  Did I already know this?  YES.  Was I thinking this?  NO.  I was feeling all sorry for myself and letting material things get in the way.  God has me and will never let go.  Randall told me my hope and faith should be in Him and Him only.

As I drive back to work, God just put a song in my heart and again, made me realize how much He loves me.  Yes, things suck right now, but God is always right there....even through the sucky times.  My life is in You Lord, my strength is in You Lord, my hope is in You Lord!

Let me add that I know that what I am going through doesn't even begin to compare to what others are going through- cancer, adoptions, losing loved ones.  But, what makes God so awesome is it doesn't matter the severity, it just matters where your hope lies.  I am so thankful for the God I serve.  All I had to do was fall to my knees and ask for help.  Instead I laid there in self pity.  Thank you God for forgiving me.

I honestly don't know what I would do without a Godly husband.  He wouldn't have known just what to say.  My husband does because He serves God.  Thank you God for opening our eyes and pulling us back to You.

The hard part about my last post

is the fact that even though I know the information, it's so hard to put it into action.  I was thinking last night, why did I feel the need to post that?  Why did I feel the need to put my heart and personal life out in the open?  God answered me.  He made me realize that if we pretend all is well, and make people believe we have a perfect marriage, those who are struggling in their marriage won't even try to make it work.  They think that everything should be perfect, and if it's not, there is only one option- DIVORCE.  That is not true.  If you go into your marriage with God being the center, you CAN work it out.
When Randall and I got marriage, I am ashamed to say we weren't living a life that was honoring God.  We failed.  We barely even discussed our belief in God.  I thank God so much that He did have me marry a Christian.  We have turned our lives around.  We talk about God daily and we walk with Him daily.  The only kind of marriage that will work is a CHRIST-CENTERED marriage.  If you don't have Christ as your center, you will fail.  But, having Him as your center, does not mean you won't suffer.
Every morning, I have two beautiful ladies that I work with send out a text to start the morning off with God.  Here is what they said:
1) "Finishing the Work- It is better to finish something than to start it.  It is better to be patient than to be proud.  Ecclesiastes 7:8-- When you seek God's purpose for your life, you will experience your fair share of disappointments, detours, false starts, and failures.  When you do, don't become discouraged:  God's not finished with you yet.  Have faith that you play an important role in God's great plan for mankind-- because you do."  Again, another slap in the face.  Although I wrote that post yesterday, I struggled with being selfish again last night.  I cried myself to sleep, wondering how I can change and how I can fix myself, believing I basically failed.  This morning, this text comes through.  Think God had a hand in that?  Of course!  I was DOWN in the dumps this morning.  I wasn't smiling, I didn't want to talk to anyone.  This brought me up.
2) "My your heart find joy in trials knowing that there is not one thing you face without the hand of God.  Begin to see that burdens are a carefully laid plan to draw you closer, you will rejoice through the heartache that God cares enough to invest the time."  My trials last night, were drawing me closer to the Lord.  My tears made me depend on God instead of anyone else.  I always want to talk to someone.  When nobody listens, I get upset.  That's when I realize someone is ALWAYS listening.  God.  He's always there.
Just because your marriage my be rocky , don't give up.  Put Christ at the center, allow Him to work in your heart.

I am hoping to scan the paper I talked about in my last post and hopefully let it be a download.  I am not sure how to go about doing that, but I am going to try to figure it out.  I think it was such a blessing, and I want to pass along the blessing.

What I have learned

Marriage.  It all starts out as simple, fun, easy love right?  What does it grow into?  For some, divorce.  Others might have stress.  Some continue to stay in that perfect, over the moon love.  Others have to WORK to keep things going.  For Randall and I, it has taken work.  Do we love each other and always have?  OF COURSE!  That does not mean that we don't fall away from each other, get on each others nerves, and just nit-pick about everything.  In fact, this past year of marriage has been the hardest for me yet. I have and always will simply adore my husband.  In fact, I find it odd that this past year has been hard seeing that we have truly been blessed.  Randall has been called to serve God.  We stepped up and became youth leaders.  We have two precious kids who we love with all our hearts.  We both have decent jobs and a home.  What could be wrong?  LOTS.
To be honest, I felt as though we were just drifting along in marriage, not really focusing on US.  This is what happened once we had kids.  Are the kids to blame, no way.  But, we both realized we were working on parenting and our relationships with the kids, rather than both our relationships with the kids AND OUR relationship.
I have a very sweet lady that I work with hand over a piece of paper about marriage.  Her husband passed away, and she was going through some marriage books and found this simple piece of paper.  Who would have thought that a simple, old, folded up piece of paper would make such a difference?  I got to looking at it, and realized it was a questionnaire.  One side was full of questions the wife is supposed to ask her husband on what she is doing well, and what she is not doing so well when it comes to being a wife. The other side is the same, just for the husband to ask the wife what he is doing wrong/right.  To be honest, I took one look at it, and thought it would be a good thing for Randall to look at to see what I need.  All this time I thought I was being a really great wife and meeting all his needs.  Ha...what a smack in the face I got that night.   I finally grab him and we get to looking at it.  I told him to just be honest with me and answer the right.  Let me just say it hurt.  It hurt bad.  Words can't describe the pain it caused that night.  I went to bed just heart broken realizing that I have let down my husband.  Did I do everything wrong?  No, but I sure was doing a lot wrong that I felt I was doing right.  It was a humbling experience to say the least.
A few weeks before, I was thinking about how our relationship was not what it should be, so I bought the book Love Dare.  I am sure if you have seen the movie "FireProof", you know what I am talking about.  It's a 40 day journey, taking very small steps to improve your marriage.   It has taken my hard heat and softened it, and I am only 4 days into the journey.  I am not doing it daily, like it says, but I am taking it slowly and learning on how these simple steps mean so much.  One day was focused on selfishness.  This was the one that totally rocked my world.  All this time I had been focusing on what I need, convincing myself he has what he needs.   I sat him down, apologized and told him I see it now.  He said he wants to start making steps to be a better husband, but the one thing I am learning from the book is, by me making small steps to show him love and respect, he will in turn do the same, without thinking.  He knows I am reading it and trying.  It's not a secret.  Sometimes I think the world thinks that when a marriage needs work, it should all be hush hush. I don't believe that.  I used to think, why in the world are we suffering while we are serving God.  We can't let anyone know.  I have changed that outlook.  I am here to say, marriage takes work.  It's hard.  A woman's job is to allow him to be a leader, and be submissive.  
With that being said, I will leave  you with one verse I keep beside me.  
Proverbs 31:26- "When she speaks, her words are wise and kindness is the rule for everything she says."

I pray that whoever reads this blog (if anyone) realizes that marriage is a two way street.  It's so easy to point the finger, but just remember, you have four more pointing back at you.  Take time for each other.

8 years

Yes, believe it or not, we have been married for 8 years today! 

Today, I am not as skinny, a bit more stressed, but so much more in love and so blessed!  It's been an amazing 8 years, and I pray the good Lord allows us many, many more years. 

I will update more later, but for now I wanted to let my readers (if I have any!!!) know that I haven't been on b/c two local towns have been hit HARD by a tornado here.  We were without power for 3 days.  My family is all safe, but it came super close to my parents house, and too close to my uncles.  It took out his garage and completely destroyed his business.  Times like this, it's hard.  We have been out helping as much as we can.  Both of these places are dear to my heart.  One is my hometown and the other was basically a 2nd home to me.  It is so sad to see all the devastation around here.  I will make a post about it later, but tonight I want to end on a happy note.........

Randall and I met at my boyfriend at the time, little sister's birthday party.  I became single that night, and Randall picked up the pieces!  We have been happily together ever since.  We were both 17 when we met.  We were very immature, but sooooo in love.  He proposed after two weeks (YES, just two weeks) and of course, I accepted.  We were married 9 months later.  (No babies involved at this time!)  He graduated one weekend, I graduated the next, and we got married the following weekend. 

We moved into a little falling apart shack in Etna (which is now destroyed) and we loved it.  We finally bought the house we are in now and found out a couple months later we were expecting!  Ruthie came along at the age of 21, and then Randy at the age of 24.  We are so blessed to have the simple life we have now, and we owe all our blessings to God.  He is good!

Randall-- I love you with all my heart.  I am so blessed to have a God-fearing husband like you.  You are the leader God wants you to be and I couldn't be happier!  Thank you for the best eight years of my life!

Members!

Randall and I finally decided to join the church that we have been attending for the last 5 months. I told him that when he was ready, so was I. I have been more often then him, so I feel more comfortable there. His schedule doesn't allow him to go every time. Wednesday night, he grabbed me by the hand and nodded. I was so excited! We finally found a home! Ruthie loves going too! Every time I tell her, "let's get ready," she always asks, "going to church?" What sweet words those are! I love hearing that! She hardly cries. It is such an amazing experience to raise your child to know and adore Him as much as we do.

Our "Love & Respect" classes are still going. Last Monday night was more directed to the women, and it was amazing. It had me in tears. He pointed out all the things that I do to Randall, that has him thinking that I don't respect him. I do respect him. It's just that when I say certain things, all he thinks is that I don't. I have learned so much so far and I can't wait for the next one. The 2nd Monday night was more directed to the men. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs said everything I have been trying to say for the past 4 years. Randall got it too. We had a good marriage, but it is even better now. He is doing things that is not in his nature to do, he is just being a man of honor. Words can't describe how much it has helped! If you ever get a chance to see or attend a seminar, please do, whether your marriage is awesome or no. He makes the learning process funny as well.

My baby turns two tomorrow. Where did the time go? She is such an amazing girl. More to come tomorrow.........

A new week......

a new beginning. This is exactly what I needed. Last week took a toll on me. I know life isn't as hard as it can be, but it was rough, and I needed a little break.

Over the weekend, we all went up to visit Dad & Darlene. Grandad joined us. We had a good time. We arrived Friday night. Ruthie had a ball playing with them all. Saturday was Darlene's birthday, we went to the Bass Pro Shop (Dad's idea) and shopped for a while. Afterwards, Grandad treated us all to lunch at Darlene's favorite restaurant. When we got back to Dad's we had to leave right away b/c we had to get back to AR for my nephew's birthday. We rushed around, but had fun doing so.

After my nephew's birthday, my brother and my two sisters, and I sat around and talked about old times. We laughed so much. I truly wish we could do that more often. Not sure why we don't. Plus, the kids loved playing together. It was fun watching them as well.

Sunday we went to church and afterwards we ate lunch with my brother Joe. That was nice and we all enjoyed it.

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I have been wanting to let others know about a class I went to at our church! It was an amazing class. Words can't describe how much it has helped us already, and we have only been to one class! Here is the link to the site. I am sure I will have more to blog about after tonight! I will have to go alone tonight, but Randall will be able to join me on the next 3 nights!

This week should be a bit easier, hopefully anyways. I just need to study and pray.